I'm just too stress to the max now..Till the extend that I was crying so hard in the shower wanting so hard to go home..It's true that Penang and Kampar is just too near..But near or far..It makes no difference because I have discipline myself not..NOT to go home too often..So what will I do when I'm stress and depressed?
A NICE TOKEN OF SHOWER AND CRYING my lungs out in the shower helps me a lot..Especially when I'm crying and scolding God for what I think was painful..stressful..unfair..And constantly asking Him the reason of me "suffering" for such a long time..Can't He just speed things up? He's big enough to do that..He can do anything and change everything if He wants to..He listens..But why is He letting me feel all of the unnecessary pain and stress?
Sometimes I just don't understand at all. Blessed are those who have not yet seen..and yet BELIEVE..That's what Christ told us..That's Faith..And that's my Confirmation name..I really believe and have a lot of trust for Him..But at the same time..Why put me to the test? Dear Lord, You really must NEVER have a lot of confidence in me because I'm a very weak human being..VERY..='(
And there's so many things that are on my mind for the past few weeks that I'm reluctant to talk about..Why should I? I mean will people believe you? Or will they just talk more about you and against you instead of having some little drop of symphathy for you?
Someone told me this..one of my bestest friend who knows me in and out.."They are easily deceived by what they hear or see at the moment..But they weren't in it..they are not you..As long as you know..Your family and your close friends know how painful it was and you don't have to justify yourself to them"..Which I think was true..
Dear God, I really need You so much till the extent that I'm begging at Your feet to end this pain and stress of mine..Please, I really can't take it anymore. And much as I don't want it, I know that I'll still have to carry my cross every single day with a smile on my face. Waiting patiently for the day when You will lift this burden of mine. I'm so tired and thirsty right now. I'm so hungry. I really need YOU right now. Cause there's no where else to go..Except to come running back to You again every single time I went astray.
And to all those friends of mine who have spoken to me before. Yes, I admit that I'm in self denial. And I'm happy to tell you guys that I'm comfortable this way. Right now. Sometimes, living in self denial is so much better than to risk people calling us a "despo" or "pathetic" when they don't really know what you're going through. That I don't blame anyone. Because they simply don't have a clue of what's going on in your life at all. So you guys can just go on and block or accused me for whatever that happened. I don't mind. PERIOD. I am proud of myself that I've make it this far considering that I have no confidence at all last time.=')
One may have so many riches in the world and yet still feels so lonely..Truth is that..I can walk in a hallway filled with a bunch of guys with me and still I feel alone cause merely..I just want to be alone. I think I'm becoming a lesbo right now considering that I've been GOOLE-ING SO MUCH ON VICTORIA SECRET MODELS right now..*OMAIGAWD-Look-at-those-FLAWLESS-LEGS!!!!!XDDDDD And Christopher joked that it would be such a loss to men everywhere..HAHAHAHA! Oh well, HOT GUYS are turning GAYS right now anyway..=PPP
SHIT. I'm tearing right now. I think I better end this post and continue with my movies and revisions..=DDD
Daddy God, I want You right now..Please give me a big TIGHT HUG cause You're the Only One who knows how I feel inside.. Like a small kid who's hurt on her knees..You carry me home and clean my wounds away..=')
I shall remain strong not because I have to..But because I need to..
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